Amusings

The Peyote Diaries – Part III – Conclusions

About a month before my trip to Arizona, I was turned onto a book… You could think of it as a self-help book… Whose wisdom was derived from Toltec philosophy.  The Toltecs were a Mesoamerican culture in Mexico from approximately 950 to 1150 CE.  

One of the central thoughts in Toltec philosophy is the idea that… 

All humans who are domesticated are sick.  

Domesticated humans?  What does that even mean?  In Toltec thought, we are in a constant battle with the dream of the world.  We are in a continual fight with our belief system and the belief system put on us by the outside world.  In modern terms, what does this even look like?    

Everyday we wake up, we get dressed, and we drive to our place of employment.

Why?  

Why did we pick that shirt to wear?  Do we like it?  Or is there a small voice that says, “I think the people at the office will approve of this tie.”  

Do we live in a neighborhood or drive a car that society says corresponds to our chosen vocation and socioeconomic status?  Or are we truly living how we want to live?  

And, what about that job?  Is it our passion?  Or is it a means to an end to acquire all of the objects and accoutrements that our social circle believes are requirements for membership?

Toltec thought continues to say that there are two ways to fight this “thousand-headed monster.”  

We can fight our belief system and the belief system put on us by society one head (or essentially one belief) at a time.  

OR

We can change our complete perception of the world… Our beliefs and the beliefs put on us… All at once… Through The Initiation of the Dead.

The problem is… The book did not explain how to conduct or participate in this ritual.  But, in reading about The Initiation of the Dead, it seemed to have all of the hallmarks of ancient mystery cults and shamanism throughout the ages… Much of which is still largely a mystery.  The uniting factor in these ancient mysteries and shamanic traditions is the consumption of a plant-based substance… Usually a drink… That causes the initiate to suddenly see the world from a new perspective.

And I think that’s what happened to me.

*** 

As I drove away from the ranch, I was emotional… And confused.  The surface-level thoughts revolved around feeling let down.  Here I was… Having spent time, energy, and means… To get to this place… To do something that I had never done before… And to gain something valuable from this experience.

I genuinely did not know what to expect from this trip… And I guess that was part of the excitement… But it sure didn’t seem to turn out how I expected.

The drive out of the canyon… Including a wrong turn… Took an hour and a half… And I did so in silence the entire time.  

I stopped in at the Trailhead Bar and Grill to officially break my fast.  It was Sunday morning… And I guess the four other patrons decided to skip church that morning and play pool instead.

As I sat alone at the bar… Nursing a beer… And waiting on my food… Sunday Morning Coming Down by Johnny Cash came on the juke box.  While I’m very familiar with and am a big fan of Johnny Cash, I had never heard that song before.

The song tells the story of waking up on a Sunday morning… After indulging too much the night before… And walking around town… Observing everyone else interacting with loved ones and fellow churchgoers… While feeling low… And wishing you were high again to alleviate that loneliness.

The song seemed applicable to my situation… It was indeed Sunday morning… And my heart hurt as I listened to the song.  Not a feeling of loneliness on my part… But more, a recognition of… And empathy for… How Johnny must have been feeling to write that song.

I began to have strange thoughts… From out of thin air.  They didn’t come all at once… But as they did, I wrote them down.

Everyone is a child of God… My daughter is a child of God… And so is my ex-wife.  Even though day-to-day life and parenting has its challenges, we should remind ourselves that it is a privilege that we only have for a short time.

Is God Roman Catholic?  Is he Methodist?  Is she Presbyterian?  Is he Jewish?  Is she muslim?  The idea is preposterous.  Organized religions, although they can contain elements that people find valuable, are created by the world.  And, because of this, they cannot help but be deeply flawed.

The aftereffects of this experience caused me to fluctuate more emotionally… Tearing up frequently at a thought, song lyrics, or music itself.  This behavior wasn’t because of my personal sadness or joy… It was more an acknowledgement of the emotions involved in those particular things.

***

The next few weeks contained many new directions in thought.  I began to see some of the people in my life in new ways… I could see the struggles in their relationships without them being verbalized… Their enormous hearts that hadn’t been visible to me before… And, in some cases, a feeling of slight disappointment… That some will never emerge from their cocoon of the world… But also a realization that people are trying to live in the best way they know how.

I began to see myself and my past in a different light.  What I had seen as past mistakes on my part… Whether I wanted to admit it or not… Were actually choices that I had made.  And while it was difficult to own these past events… Being conscious of my role in how history played out… Made me more determined to be conscious of decisions that I make in the future.    

There were definitely some epiphanies during this time… Incidents of vocalizing intuitions from out of nowhere that, in short, came to pass… Asking loved ones why they weren’t pursuing their dreams… Asking myself why I wasn’t pursuing mine. 

***

I’m not going to get on my soapbox and start preaching.  But this experience was significant for me… In a very positive way.  This experience utilized a plant that has been vilified and prohibited by society.  Society.  The dream of the world.

Perhaps, instead of forbidding what we don’t understand, we should study it.