Amusings

New Year’s Day… A brand new year… And I really didn’t feel well.  The earache had never gone away… And I had done my best to tolerate and ignore it.  But, it had morphed into a headache… A malaise… And more than a slight bit of general grumpiness.  

My daughter is a dolphin… Who squeaks with delight anytime she is in water.  Given the chilly desert temperatures at night, the pool at the house had been more of a polar bear plunge for the kids.  In an effort to hear my daughter make dolphin noises, I found a resort in Palm Springs that allowed day passes into their waterpark.  And, with that, we set off.

We arrived in Palm Springs… And the waterpark was better than I imagined.  Parents lounged on chaise pool chairs… Servers brought food and beverages upon request… And kids appeared at your feet every time they did a lap around the lazy river.  I ordered food for my daughter… And a beverage for myself.  As I reclined in the shade of an umbrella, I closed my eyes and tried to be still… To quell the pain in my head… And my general discomfort.  I began to realize that my cerebral pains and general icky feeling might be something more.  And I started to think that it might be a good idea to seek a professional opinion on the matter.  I began searching on my phone for an urgent care facility that was on our route back to Joshua Tree.  I found what seemed like a good option… And having made an obscene amount of trips around the lazy river, I fished out my daughter and we set off.

***

The urgent care trip was an adventure that was worth the price of admission.  Google Maps… Probably combined with my own slight incoherence at the time… Led to several jaunts in and out of buildings in somewhat of a strip mall medical complex… Until we found the correct office.

If my daughter was cognizant and understanding of her surroundings, this clinic adventure would have had all of the educational value equivalent to a first time strip club visit… The privilege to see a cross section of the population that is not on general display in public.  

As we walked up to the door, I made note of how popular the clinic appeared to be.  Several colorful individuals were milling around outside… Walking in and out of the pharmacy that happened to be right next door to the clinic.

We walked in… And I walked up to the front window.  I was handed a clipboard with an information sheet and a pen.  I asked about payment… And the lady, who seemed bothered by the question, told me to not worry about it.

Thank God there was a television in a high corner playing Disney movies on DVD.  My daughter was blissfully unaware of the absolute diseased crack headedness all around us.  And, about the time she might have gotten bored with Disney videos… An hour after we arrived… Was the exact time that I exhibited my restrained infuriation at the ‘cash up front’ policy not being properly explained to me upon arrival.  We had been sitting there for an hour… Because the ‘doctor’ would not see you until the lady behind the counter received $100 in cash.  They did not accept any kind of payment other than cash.

After I breathed a healthy dose of fire on the lady behind the counter, off we went… Screaming out of the strip mall and across the street into… None other than the Walmart parking lot… Executing a perfect Starsky and Hutch screeching park job.  Not bad for a Chevy Impala.  

Me:  You know that I used to be a stunt driver…

Kid:  Really?!?

Me:  No, not really, Kid.

We hoofed it with a quick pace into Walmart… And straight to the ATM located next to customer service.  A minute later, a singular $100 bill slid out of the ATM.  And then we flew out of the Walmart parking lot… And screamed back into the parking lot of the worst immediate care clinic in all of California.

Upon walking in, I politely slammed the $100 bill on the counter and slid it under the glass with all of the facial disgust that I could muster… And then we reclaimed our seats in this germ-ridden hell.

Most of the gang from before was still here.  Crackhead Jim, with his dreadlocks and scraggly beard… Who might have been Rob Zombie’s brother that didn’t have a successful music career.  Puddintaine, the dopey guy with the dog, seemed to be missing… Perhaps he was able to get his prescription filled and decided to wander off.  But, Puddintaine had been replaced with a new couple… Sid and Nancy… Who might have been Crackhead Jim’s groupies.  But… the Academy Award goes to Dixie Lou… Who had a masterful performance as a woman with severe back pain… The staff procured a wheelchair for her… And I almost clapped as she was wheeled back to see the professionals… Truly a spectacular presentation… And worthy of a prescription.  

My name was called… And my daughter and I followed the healthcare assistant back to the exam room.  The assistant verified the information that I had written down on my intake sheet and said the doctor would be with me soon.

The doctor walked in… With all of the personality and bedside manner of a Bureau of Motor Vehicles worker.  He looked to be in his 60’s… And completely disinterested with anyone claiming to be a patient.  I described my symptoms to him… The ear pain… The headache… The general malaise.  He looked in my ears with an otoscope.  And then retrieved a depressor stick to look at my throat.

“Open your mouth and stick out your tongue,” said the doctor… As he stood an arm’s length away from me and inserted the stick into my mouth.  His exam seemed to be absolutely nothing but a formality.  It seemed more like he was ‘playing doctor’ rather than exerting any substantial effort.

“I’ll write you a prescription.  They’ll have it for you on your way out.  There is a pharmacy next door where you can have it filled.  If you still feel bad in a week, come back and I won’t charge you.” he said and then walked out of the exam room.

What kind of rinky dink medical operation is this?  I’ve been to quite a few physicians over the years and I’ve never had an experience like this.  What planet had I landed on?  As I looked at the prescription on the way out the door, it occurred to me that Dixie Lou, the actress with severe back pain, might have gotten something better than a decongestant and antibiotic.

We walked into the pharmacy next door in the strip mall.  Much like the clinic we had just left, the pharmacy was a hodge podge effort.  Mirrored film covered all of the windows separating the customers from those filling the prescriptions… Five people filling prescriptions at once.  As we walked in, Crackhead Jim was bouncing his way out with a small paper bag in his hand.  I bet his prescription was also better than mine.

I gave my prescription to the gal… Waited and walked around the tiny foyer that was void of chairs… And tried to keep my daughter entertained.  We retrieved the prescription and I popped and chugged once in the car.

Once back at the house, I ate a singular piece of pizza… Which I basically had to choke down.  Every time I swallowed, my ear and the side of my head would hurt.  I wrangled my daughter into bed and called it a night.

***

The next two and a half days were a blur.  I spent that blur in bed sleeping the entire time.  The only time that I got out of bed was to go to the bathroom.  And that resulted in uncontrollable shivering, severe dizziness and general miserableness.  

And then I woke up… And wondered what day it was.  Was today the day that we were leaving?  I crept my face out of the bedroom door and asked what day it was.  Yes, today we had to catch our flight… And the connecting flight… Back home.

Once we were buckled into the seats on our first flight, I turned to my daughter and said, “Hey Kid, this was more of an adventure than a vacation.”  “I don’t think I want to come back to California.” was her reply.  Me either, Kid.  Me either.

***

  Two flights later… Including a very long delay in Las Vegas… Due to an impending snow storm going across the country… We arrived home at 4am local time… And exhausted.  We slept and then I dropped off my daughter to her mom.  Given my condition at the time, I can only credit the trip home to the grace of God.