Amusings

The law of conservation of energy states that energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transformed from one form to another or transferred between systems, meaning the total amount of energy in a system remains constant.

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It’s significant… And deserves consideration….  That on New Year’s Eve… While on vacation… I was absolutely compelled to send a letter of inspiration and hope… From my phone…  On the eve of a new year… To someone that I cared deeply about… While my personal health and well being were getting ready to start a dramatic nosedive.  

***

The next three weeks were a hellish haze.  I had zero appetite… I survived on ice cream and breakfast drinks delivered to my door.  Trying to eat solid food became somewhat of a liability… Since the right side of my throat would not swallow.  I had to drink pints of water while trying to eat… Just to get food to go down my throat.  Visions of my choked corpse being found with a TV dinner of tikka masala in my lap began to pop into my head.  

I ate every acetaminophen and ibuprofen pill that I had in the house.  I had a constant earache… And the pain kept moving to different parts of the right side of my head.  The nerve pain on the top of my head seemed immune to pain relievers.  In addition to the earache, the inside of my ear itched so bad that jamming a pointed object in my ear canal was not out of the realm of possibility.  My esophagus felt like I had strep throat.       

I had constant vertigo and dizziness…  Walking consisted of reaching out for walls or furniture to steady myself and prevent a fall.  I was continually nauseous… Food of any sort was not appealing.  I had absolutely no energy…  My first attempt at showering to go to an urgent care clinic was unsuccessful.  Halfway through the shower, I gave up and retreated to bed… And slept until the next day.  

A snowstorm came through the day after arriving home and dumped eight inches of snow.  My neighbor sent me a text.  He happened to get a new snowblower shortly before the storm… And, eager to try it out, he plowed my driveway… While I listened in bed.  Another neighbor, noticing that my car hadn’t been moved or had the snow cleared off, sent me a wellness check message.  And, after describing what I knew about my situation, she delivered enough macaroni and cheese to feed a church gathering.

One week after arriving home, I was finally able to shower, dress, and Uber to the nearest immediate care clinic.  Someone had to have a clue as to what was going on with me, right?

If you don’t feel better by Monday, you should go to the emergency room.  

The following Monday, I took an Uber to the emergency room.  I had the Uber driver stop at a local ice cream shop on the way to the hospital… And I sat in the emergency room waiting area sipping on a strawberry shake.

Once in an emergency exam room, they collected blood and ran tests.  It turns out that I was dehydrated and low in potassium… Certainly things to be concerned about… But hardly the cause of my absolute and complete misery.  And, beyond that, the emergency room personnel were incapable of helping my condition.   

Would you like a referral to an ENT specialist?

Well, yeah… I guess I would.  Later that day, I received the referral phone call.  The earliest that I could get in to see the ENT doctor was in eight days.  Eight more days?!  I was already fifteen days into this miserable hell… When could I find someone who knew what the hell was going on with me?

***

A few months later… After this whole horrific event had subsided… I had the opportunity to get to know someone who lives in the neighborhood across from mine.  She’s an older gal in her 70’s… She’s divorced… And somewhat estranged from her two sons through distance and philosophy.  During one of our conversations, she mentioned feeling very sad about being by herself last Christmas Day.  My immediate reaction was one of sympathy.  How could this sweet gal in her 70’s be alone on Christmas?  I told her that if she found herself in that situation again, to let me know.

But, during the conversation… I thought to myself… 

What did I do last Christmas?  Who did I spend the day with?

***

I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with Christmas.  I mean who doesn’t like Christmas?  The lights… The sights… The once-a-year smell of holiday feasts… The chance to see and mingle with relatives and friends… The positive and warm vibes.

And… Then there’s me.  Born on Christmas.  

My love-hate relationship with Christmas has evolved over the last four decades.  My parents tried to make it special for me… And I think they did… But my presents were still wrapped in Christmas paper.  I didn’t have a birthday party with my friends until I was 21 and living in England… As a kid, all of my friends were having Christmas celebrations with their families on my birthday.

As a more seasoned adult… My birthday has largely gone out the window.  Your holiday focus shifts to your kids… And, after being divorced, I get my kid every other Christmas.  This year was not my year.

Periodically I clean up the photos on my phone… Usually, after the fact, I end up with some regret for my photo-deleting vigor.  But, sometime after the conversation with my divorced and estranged neighbor, I happened to go through my photo-deleting ritual.  And I was confused when I found a picture of a plate of sushi rolls.

Why did I take a picture of sushi rolls?  And, then I looked at the date… December 25th.  I had forgotten or completely repressed that I had spent the past Christmas alone… And… When the world is running down, you try to make the best of what’s still around… By going out to eat… At one of the only restaurants open on Christmas… A sushi restaurant.

***

The ENT doctor diagnosed my symptoms somewhat quickly.  A virus attacked the facial nerve that travels from the top of my head, through the ear, and down to the right side of my throat.  Thankfully, I avoided facial paralysis… Unfortunately, I lost some of the hearing in my right ear.

After a regimen of medications… And three months of recovery time… I was somewhat back up to speed.  I still had problems with balance and movement… Group conversations that required frequent head movement made me nauseous and leave meetings early.  The back and forth head motion required for making a left turn across two lanes of traffic left me dizzy and with a headache.

But… I was on the mend.

During a conversation with the ENT… About the origins… The reasons… And the future prevention of a similar experience… She said that my illness was most likely due to personal stress.  My primary care physician echoed this sentiment.

Had I been stressed out about the holidays?  

***

It has taken me quite some time to piece together everything about this experience… It has also taken me some time to finish this story… Because… It’s a difficult one.

David Gilmour, the guitarist for Pink Floyd, had a song on his 1984 solo album entitled All Lovers Are Deranged.  One lyric in the song has always caught my attention… 

You know that you don’t really fall in love… Unless you’re seventeen

This lyric has always resonated with me… Because I too fell in love at seventeen.  And, yes, I have had many relationships since I was seventeen… But, when you really fall in love… At least for me… You realize it.

But I’m not seventeen anymore… I have had decades of experience since then… I have had relationship trials and tribulations in those decades… I’m Scarred But Smarter… 

So…

When I fell in love with a woman… Three decades later… I became fully aware that what I was experiencing wasn’t teenage puppy love… This was a mutual attraction between two people… Who realized that each person would inherently improve the life of the other… 

There was only one problem… She was not able to continue a relationship with me.

I slowly… And then quickly… shattered inside.

***

Energy cannot be created or destroyed.
It can only change from one form to another.

This experience crystallized many things for me.  One of which is that… I believe that emotions can be thought of as a type of energy… Emotional energy.  And, similar to other forms of energy, our emotions either get expressed… Or they change into a different form of emotional energy.  And, in my case, the emotion was anguish… Anguish from a priceless relationship… That I knew was ending.  Essentially… I became sick with heartache.

***

Unfortunately, there is not a really good ending to this story… Other than that I am pretty much back to normal… Physically.  Emotionally… I’ll get there.  

But… The thing that I can take away from this whole experience is that I haven’t had this experience before.  It was a learning experience.  And, just like most learning experiences… It was painful.  What can I say?  I’m a slow learner.